"To shorten the consequences of negative situations at work, a confident leader uses tools to gain adequate thought perspective, accepting that setbacks at work do happen.  

Confident leaders don’t overemphasize or catastrophize their part in the situation.

They look objectively at the situation, figure out how to do better next time and move on."

(From The Ultimate Guide:  How to Be More Confident at Work)

magical Confidence

What if you had more confidence at work right this minute?  Like, wave a magic wand, and *twinkle*twinkle* there it is?

What would be different?   

Would it be the way you talk, walk? How about the way you dress, or even how you think?

How do you know when someone else has confidence?  

I ask my clients that question often…how they know when someone else has confidence. And their answers are almost always alike.

How do you know when someone else has confidence?

Well, since we can’t be in someone else’s head and know their thoughts (although we sure do try to be sometimes, don’t we?), knowing someone else has confidence comes down to the possession of certain characteristics and traits that convey confidence, like voice projection, 'commanding the room,' positive body language...all those things we think of when thinking 'executive presence.'

Then there's the internal factors we think of that a person who possesses confidence must have - all those things we can't see, like positive self-talk.  It would be tough to be confident and not have that, methinks.  

And that positive self talk skill is one that lends itself to another key to leadership confidence - the ability to rebound {quickly} when mistakes are made.    

And confident people do make mistakes.  

Rebound and Resolve

So what is the difference between someone with solid confidence making a mistake a work and someone plagued by a lack of confidence making a mistake at work (besides the obvious difference in confidence level)?

The amount of time spent suffering from it.

The person lacking confidence and the person with confidence will experience the actual event that causes the setback similarly.

Here's how a person with low confidence at work might process it:

1. Through self talk: 'Ah crud, I messed up. I wish I hadn’t done that.'

2. With self doubt: 'That decision last month, look what’s happening now. Did I do the right thing? I don’t know. Did I make there right decision? I don’t know. Maybe I should have chosen differently...'

3. With self blame: 'This is all my fault (catastrophising). I should have known this.'

A person with great confidence at work might say one of those phrases too.  

But they don't stay there.  They continue to process.  Quickly. 

They move to problem solve. 

They consider options.  

They've built or have the mental agility to move beyond that mind-swirl

A Resilience Tool

Here’s the one tool that can help to process those setbacks.  It has to do with putting things in perspective. 

When things are out of perspective, meaning: the rememberance of the situation is out of line with what actually happened, we're usually coming from an emotional point of view. 

Not that emotions can’t play a productive part.  Usually, however, the emotional response is over-calibrated and the objective response (the ‘executive function’ portion that can bring levity into a situation) is overshadowed by the emotion. 

Emotions like guilt, remorse, self-blame.

Here's a quick way to start processing and moving forward.  

1. Grab a pencil and paper.

2. Think about something that happened at work that you'd like to move past.

3. Ask yourself what are some of the negative thoughts (or self-doubt, or self-blame) you're thinking about what happened? Choose two or three to work with and write them down.

4. Now, take the first thought and ask yourself, "Is this true?" and "What else is true about this situation?" "If i could do it over again, what did I learn?" "How is what happened a gift?"

5. Next, ask yourself "How do I want to feel about this situation?"

6. And then create one reframed sentence that supports those new feelings.

That's it.  Out of your head and onto the paper.  The act of writing it down alone helps to process it and interrupts the thought loop that's keeping you stuck.

Confident people might start a thought loop, but they interrupt the pattern before they get stuck.

And therefore, the time from the situation that's a setback occurs to the time they have learned from it and moved right on is lessened.

And that, my fellow leaders, is exactly why this is Confidence at Work Key #3 out of 17.  

Here's a great "Truth Talk" exercise to guide you through.

Try it.  

Networking as Connection

I was scrolling through my LinkedIn feed a few weeks ago when I saw a call for a studio audience at the CreativeLive studios in San Francisco by an author I follow, J. Kelly Hoey, who wrote Build Your Dream Network.

Kelly’s work has intrigued me for a while now… she’s a ‘professional connector' who approaches networking as an art and a study, fostering and nurturing connection and utilizing social media as a means of finding alignment and realizing goals. 

“Networking,” she says, “is a way to go about solving a problem.” 

That 'problem' can be anything from needing a job, information, desiring a career change or an additional outlet to deter the isolation of the home office or shut door.

My Random Network

For me, networking has always just...happened. 

Organically. 

Haphazardly. 

And not particularly well. 

E.g. my LinkedIn is filled with hundreds of former colleagues. 

Not necessarily a bad thing, but also not representative of where I'm headed.

Because Kelly’s content is so engaging and interesting, learning to build my own network directly from her - authentically - intrigued me. 

So I booked my flight and used the trip to also spend long-overdue quality time with a college bestie. 

How CreativeLive is Freaking Fantastic (and a great place to network!)

CreativeLive , with studios in SF and Seattle, is this completely genius and fun concept:  Host thought leaders/authors/established experts to give intensive courses on their areas of expertise in the studio, invite an audience, and film the whole shebang. 

And provide snacks.

Those not in studio can livestream the course (for free). 

Then package and resell that course at a very reasonable price with bonuses like books and worksheets for on-demand viewing while continually offering additional livestream (free) courses.

Courses are targeted to creatives, entrepreneurs, curiosity-seekers, business people and range in topic from 'Build Your Dream Network' to 'Build Your Wedding Attendant Bouquets.'  

Really, most anyone would find an engaging topic to learn and skills to develop here.

What does this all have to do with confidence at work?

Lots.  (Well, maybe not the wedding bouquets.)

Confidently Networking

Your “dream” network is the broad and diverse group you build and nurture before you need it, so that it’s ready and willing to jump in to support you when you DO need it.

Kelly sees the purpose of networking as shining a light on what ‘you want to be known for.’  

Just like changing perspective around anything having to do with building leadership skills (be it confidence, negative thoughts, self-doubt, gaining visibility at work, increasing executive presence skills), changing my own perspective around networking is a profound shift from before. 

The word 'networking' for me, as with most, has that used-car-salesman feel - that giving-just-to-get connotation. 

No wonder we avoid it.  

Whereas building a 'dream' network takes intentional planning, searching and deliberate connecting with another person who initially might be a stranger; looking for alignment, seeing what you can learn from them, offering support and sharing what you know. 

And doing THAT over and over again takes confidence.

The Build Your Dream Network approach suggest viewing networking as an opportunity in "every human interaction."

Dream Networking Results

The results of #BYDN and shifting the perspective to 'every human interaction is a networking (read: connecting) opportunity are already quite evident.  Here’s what I’ve done so far and the results:

1.      Sent seven greeting cards out I’ve been putting off writing, two of which have been sitting on my desk FOR ALMOST A YEAR.  Instead of viewing writing these as a chore (what is it about having to handwrite something that makes me procrastinate?  Anyone else?) I changed my perspective to:  ‘This a chance to reconnect and support my network.’  Here’s the pic-or-it didn’t happen:

Result? Reconnecting, engaging, supporting.  Good feelings for all.

2.     You know those Look-Who-Got-A-New-Job alerts on LinkedIn that have a ‘say congrats’ button?  I actually pushed that button and said ‘congrats’ in a DM to a former XFN colleague, whereas before I might have just checked where the connection was off to work next and not acknowledged it directly. 

Result?  The connection wants to catch up via phone so here's my opportunity to reengage. Wouldn’t have happened had I not reconnected.

3.     Paid much more intention (SWIDT?) to my fledgling Twitter account (follow me, darn it!), actively seeking those with whom I might have alignment, following them, and then acknowledging a follow back with #alignment. 

Result?  More relevant content in my feed that I’m more likely to engage with, a DM with a new follow who wants to know how we can support each other resulting in an offline business relationship. 

4.     One of Kelly’s guests during the filming of the course was another author, Maxie McCoy, who wrote You're Not Lost: An Inspired Action Plan for Finding Your Own Way – {preorder this beautiful book here for the most heartfelt and inspirational tough-love you've ever had}. 

Result?  A broadening of my network We will stay connected and I will interview her in a couple of months to see what else I can learn and continue to get the word out for this book I believe in and rec to my clients.

How could you not want to be connected to this person?

5.     Exploring coworking space…the IRL networking approach.  Instead of sequestering my ambivert self in my comfy solo home office I will deliberately and intentionally get out from behind the screen.  Kelly says, “Social versus IRL:  using one without the other doesn’t harness the whole.” 

Result?  Will let you know.  Right now it's an excuse to buy new pair of shoes for the 'office'.

7.     Partnered with a new connection on Twitter to interview and curate content.  This may or may not have happened without Kelly’s class…I don’t think I would have been as curious and supportive without it, though.

Result?  More tweet engagement, additional ideas.  True and new #alignment.

8.     When anyone I haven’t previously known who reaches out to me – now I take at least a minute to view their profile to look for commonalities, and then comment on those commonalities, be it in a tweet or a PM on LinkedIn.  If they’ve written original content, I’ll take a look at that too.  For me now, it’s about authentic connection. 

Result?  Organic network growth that isn't just a quick click of 'accept' or 'follow.'  These connections may still be digital, but they're real.

---

LinkedIn is changing it up to make the nurturing of your network easier.  I just got this new (to me) type of reminder in my Notifications feed this week:

How about that.  

I loved my experiences with CreativeLive so much that I’ve partnered with them as an affiliate (which means I get to offer special discounts and get a small commission if you purchase anything at no additional cost to you – which helps me pay my Kindle bill) and I get to continue evangelizing their greatness. 

How can you not love a company who let’s you in the door by pressing this button:

Check out CreativeLive’s free on-air classes here.

My Dream Network is Growing

This class changes things for me going forward, permanently. 

How do I know?  The perspective shift in building a dream network and what that will mean in my career, business and life has all my neurons firing. 

The intentional piece for me is calendaring - carving out time (a half hour per day) and devoting that to intentional, focused networking. 

“I’m building my dream network” is a mantra to lean on when scheduling out areas of intentional networking focus for the week/month/year. 

Scheduling time for forging connection helps me in my work threefold: 

1. Intentional (and therefore, likely more relevant) network growth

2. Broader curation sources for content to share with my people

3. And by stopping the mindless social media scroll by putting guardrails around the time.

“What do you want to be found for?”

— J. Kelly Hoey

Dream Networking Is...

Dream networking is exploring possible connections through the perspective of what can I give, not what can I get…paying it forward in this new world where there isn’t enough of that, even though digital makes it easier than ever. 

Dream networking is being truly interested in different perspectives while acknowledging where there is alignment, and not just from the big influencers and current thought leaders. 

Dream networking is acting on that interest by highlighting that alignment as a means of moving forward together, even if only for a moment right now.

What do you want to be found for?

The Reflex of "Sorry!"

The Scene:  The open-concept tech office, west corner sofa.

The Players:  John, a mid-level operations manager and his boss and Taj, an operations director.

The Situation:  John is running down the items on his list to inform Taj of his progress on the migration project during their weekly one-on-one meeting.

When Taj shifts on the couch, John's binder falls to the ground.

"Whoops!  Sorry." says John.

As they’re running down the list together, Taj asks if John can attend a meeting in his place, but John has a conflict at that time.

“Oh wait, I have a conflict.  Sorry.” says John.

A half hour in, Taj looks at his watch while John is speaking and starts gathering up his things.  

"I know you have to go.  Sorry."

Are you picking up on anything here {sarcastic font}?

"I am SO sorry!"

I share this conversation to prove a point:  that saying 'sorry' can become a reflexive habit. 

And a reflex is an involuntary reaction - something we do automatically, without thinking. 

In the conversation between John and Taj, 'sorry' is as reflexive as any other word crutch such as “like,” “you know,” and “right?” 

It’s a filler…and distracting…and with overuse without true apologetic intention, 'sorry' also becomes meaningless. 

But 'sorry' can also be harmful in your communication.  Especially when overused at work.

"But I'm Supposed to Be Vulnerable!"

Research professor, TED-talk rock star and thought leader Brené Brown defines vulnerability as uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure.  

Facing uncertainty, risk and exposing emotions takes courage.  But I would argue there's a better way to honor uncertainty, risk and emotional exposure in business.

'Sorry' expresses regret, sadness...it's a very powerful, purposeful word. 

And if you pepper your sentences with it out of reflex and habit...you sound weak, ingenuous. 

That's the harm.

Sorry, but it's true (SWIDT?).

And sounding weak and ingenuous is likely is not your intention.  Especially as a leader.

Let's not confuse 'sorry' as the habitual word filler with true, genuine regret.

'Sorry' denotes fault too, as in:  "I shouldn't have done that.  I won't do it again.  Please forgive me."

I'm not suggesting you never apologize.  Nor am I suggesting you never take responsibility for things gone wrong that are truly your fault at work.

What I am suggesting is instead of that 'sorry' as almost a form of reflexive verbal punctuation, you say what you mean.  

And use 'sorry' very, very sparingly and thoughtfully intentional at work.

What's a More Productive Response?

A more productive response is action-oriented.

A more useful response is to offer alternatives, solutions, actions.

Let's revisit our one-on-one conversation on the sofa with this model.

---

When Taj shifts on the couch, John’s binder falls to the ground.

“Here, let me get that.” says John.

As they're running down the list together, Taj asks if John can attend a customer meeting in his place, but John has a conflict at that time.

“Oh wait, I have a conflict.  How about I get the meeting notes from Sarah and we can debrief together?” says John.

A half hour in, Taj looks at his watch while John is speaking and starts gathering up his things.  “I know you have to go.  We can wrap up here.”

---

Ahh...doesn't that sound better?

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When I sat down to write the Ultimate Guide, "How to Be Confident at Work," I picked key behaviors that great leaders know and do from a running list I'd collected from personal observation over the years. 

Not everything made the cut for the Guide, and what didn't is for another post. 

Confident Keys at Work

One Key that definitely made the cut is one of the most common...what should I call this...crutches?...I hear from clients: their 'shoulds.'

"I should know how to do this."

"I should do this differently."

"I should have done that."

"I should have stood up to him."

Why is it a crutch?  From what I observe as a coach, "should" is a word that keeps people stuck. 

It's a word that promotes a pattern.  Not patterns of change, but a patterns of non-productive way of feeling that self-perpetuates.

Think about it.  What does should connote? 

Obligation.

Regret.

Guilt.

Nothing motivating about those.  Which is why it's a great habit to break.

"Shoulda, Woulda, Coulda..."

When we're so used to a pattern we often can't see the crutch and comfort it's become.  The reason we hang onto it.

How we benefit from not changing.

Those thought patterns are no longer serving us, motivating us, creating desire for change, yet they're so reflexive we often stay stuck with them and don't know why.

So how do we get unstuck from here?  With a pattern so deeply ingrained?

Here's What to Do to Shirk 'Should'

The first step I often start with is "Just Notice." 

Sounds absurdly simple: just notice when you're saying 'should' to yourself. 

Make a note when/where it happens. 

Do it for a week. 

Keep track of commonalities...do you use 'should' more around certain people, projects, things, meetings?  What patterns did you notice? In what situations did you find your 'shoulds' multiplying?  What did you feel?

Next, we'd work on creating more productive language off of the situations that were noted.  How might you change a 'should' to a future tense or something that serves you more fully?  

For example, "I should know how to do this," becomes, "I want to learn how to do this."

"I should do this differently," becomes, "Next time, I'll do this differently."

Wow.

What a difference.

And then we'd practice.  Practice. 

And practice some more. 

Make new neural pathways.

What 'should' happen...

What happens when you practice?  Your brain presents you with more possibilities as a reward. 

You stop feeling that guilt, and regret around things you don't want to do, and instead feel empowered to choose based on desire.  Not obligation. 

Oh, this one takes practice, all right.

But the rewards are fantastic. 

If you're curious, here's how "Shirk 'Should'" is phrased in the Guide:

"You’ve stopped using the word ‘should’ to generate your to-do list, priority and voice your guilty regrets.  Yo’ve replaced that ambiguous word with ‘will,’ won’t’ or ‘want to.’  You speak your intent, not other’s obligation.  You are guilt-free as a result."

Just notice.